Checking in

I recently heard from a good friend who is reading my blog faithfully that my childhood sounds idyllic, and I needed to write and say it certainly wasn't. It would never be my purpose to gloss over the difficulties of my life. Those of you that know me intimately know how difficult my life really was in childhood, and how hard I am still trying to unravel the harder issues I acquired very early. My purpose writing here is to remind myself and celebrate the defining moments that shaped what I have become, what brought me to this milestone in life. This project has forced me to face not only the good but the bad as well, and as I unearth each year I find I am more interested in reclaiming what was bright and beautiful in my life. This is my choice as a "send off" to my next decade. This is not an effort to hide, it is an effort to reclaim.
When thinking about 1966 a story came to mind that I want to share, as it illustrates the thinking and perceptions of childhood well. Several years ago, in conversation with my mother, I asked her about her suicide attempt in 1966 when I was ten years old. She was shocked to her bones and became angry that I knew, demanding to know who had told me of this. The reality was no one had told me. I had stored all the bits and pieces of information and perception I didn't understand as a child until I was an adult, where the pieces fit together to make a clear picture. A therapist told me once that you are only as sick as your secrets, and there were many to unravel from my childhood. So this is a cautionary tale to all you parents with children. They know your secrets and what you are trying to hide, they are little bundles of perception. All they need is words to express what they are feeling or seeing which they will acquire in time. I try to hide nothing from children, as dishonesty sets them up not to trust their own perceptions of reality later. A terrible handicap in life.
I am on day 11 of being a non-smoker. It gets easier and easier every day for me, and I am grateful for my friends Lisa and Genie for being an informal "support" group. We've been telling each other "we can do this" for several days, and I think it is time to change and say "we are doing this" now. :) Good work ladies!