Tuesday, March 18, 2008


During a really lucid dream last night I dreamed of Mama. I lost her a couple of years ago, and rarely dream of her so I took notice. In the dream she reminded me of something I had forgotten about, a great treasure. In 2000-2001 my mother "discovered" the Internet, with a little keyboard connected to her television set. I saw her use it once...painfully slow to type on and very slow to upload, a real chore. The ease of today's connections would impress her I am sure. So in my dream I was listening to her taped voice. Nothing really all that meaningful was said, just the type of messages she would leave on my answering machine at times. I lived far away from her for years, and when I have dreamed of her voice it is often those messages I remember. During this dream she triggered a memory of her emails. In 2000-2001 she wrote me an email everyday, and I wrote her one back. These emails were truly astounding, like a connection straight through to a different side of her. She was chronically depressed as an individual, but these emails were happy and hopeful. We discussed current events, family life, recipes..all manner of subjects. I truly enjoyed our daily conversations and was so grateful to have this insight into the core of my mother at the time. This all ended when my sister, in a jealous fit, told her I only emailed because I felt sorry for her. Nothing on this earth could have been less true then or now. But it built a wall in my mother, and the emails stopped. I saved all those emails, and I printed every single one of them. At the time I thought I was doing this to eventually bind copies, and give them to her grandchildren at some point in the future as a glimpse into their very complicated and conflicted Grandmother. But today I realize that I saved them for me too. So as I excavate through the years of my life discarding what is no longer useful, I will be on the lookout for a ream of paper that is all that is left of my mother's spirit. Thinking there might be a message for me in the now.


Godinla said...

That's incredible. You are lucky to have those emails and unlucky to have that sister. She may in time turn out to be lucky for you too, who knows. Life is weird that way. All that I have of my father is a letter that he mailed me from Africa, while he was on tour there (musician). I read it a couple of times each year and remind myself to be present every day for my kids and leave them with rich memories (and lots of stuff).

Laura Belle said...

Thank you Brian. I am lucky in many ways that weren't always so apparent at the time :) And my streak continues with your addition to my life. I am so grateful you found me.