Doodle's Lexicon

I live with this strange red-headed woman, and she talks to me all the time. The problem is, I have no earthly idea what she is babbling on about, so I just do my best to look as fetching as possible and wing it. She doesn't seem to notice that she is speaking gibberish, and I am too much of a gentleman to tell her. I have noticed sometimes she says the same things over and over and over. So here's what I think she's trying to say:

OUTSIDE: I am not sure why she says this so loudly when she opens the door. It is kind of her to notify me of her plan to leave, but why so loudly? Just as it seems she will leave me in peace she scoops me up (oh, the indignity of this!) and carries me out the door with her. She will eventually deposit me on a green furry surface of some sort, where I make a big show of sniffing, and chewing. If I feel the urge to relieve myself she will coo and carry on like it is the best thing any dog has ever done. I am left to question, just why is she so interested in my personal habits? Seems, at best, a little simple minded of her, and at worst a strange fetish of some type.

TREAT: OK, here is the really weird part. If she thinks our little "trip" has been successful she starts yammering on about "treat" and gives me a a slice of "Pupperoni". Not that I am not generally grateful for a snack, but really, this is a treat? Don't think I haven't noticed "treat" isn't ever any of the good stuff she saves for herself. Don't think I didn't smell that bacon frying yesterday and wonder if I was getting any of that. I'm still waiting.

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!: This is a word she repeats constantly. All I have to do is nip at the plastic covering of a musty old art book, chew on a velvet couch pillow, or unravel the toilet paper roll to set her off in "NO!"spasms. Did she thank me for trying to organize her electrical cords behind the computer desk...NOOOO! Or congratulate me for saving her from that nasty bunny hopping around the green furry surface today....NOOOO! But the worst, (and I do mean the worst) is on the two occasions I found the perfect spot to leave a little deposit on the carpet... since she is so interested and all. Just minding my own business when BAM...she scooped me up and held me, feet dangling, over the kitchen waste basket....NOOOOOOOOO! I mean, how crazy is that? I was mortified, thank GOD no other dogs were around to see it.

WALK: I have no idea what she means when she says this. I do know it has something to do with my new blue necklace (the one I am determined to chew off ) and a rope-like thing. Again we find ourselves traversing the green furry surface. My stomach drags, and it is hard enough standing on my own wobbly feet, and really, what is the point of this? And yet she drags me around a minute or two until she gives up and picks me up. I will get her trained yet.

The last day or so a few new words have popped up..."Sit", "Stay", and "Come". As if. ;- P